Solitude

Solitude is something that I have always needed more than most people. I am naturally a quiet person, with perhaps a bit too much going on in my head; I enjoy the opportunity to put recent events into perspective. This, I have found, is best accomplished alone.

This past year in Houston, however, I have been blessed with too much of a good thing. At times I resent this quite a bit, but I must also admit that it has been an opportunity to really become familiar with myself.

It is almost dizzying to realize how much we can become the people around us. Sometimes I believe that we are only a conglomerate of the people in our lives, and just individuals in that we just absorb different traits from different people. But other times, I believe that we are true individuals, and that we just have to figure out who we are.

I can say that I am closer than ever to knowing who I am, and that, I feel, is a great accomplishment. There were times when I had no idea - I would define myself as being in a relationship with another, belonging to a certain group/subculture, or even as some sort of image I built up around myself. Of course, all of these proved to be very fragile, for if someone perceptive came along, this definition was dissolved easily.

Being alone has allowed me to sort through all of my old definitions, and despite feelings of loneliness, sadness and at times downright despair from too much seclusion, there has arisen an individuality. One without the need for props such as image, a romantic relationship, or a particular group. Solid, and real. And very satisfying, even comforting to know that it cannot be shaken, because it is truly me.

Solitude, though at times difficult to endure, is very valuable indeed.