One Year of Experience as a Parent

My husband and I have officially earned one year of experience at the job of parenting.  It is the best job I have ever had, and the most challenging.  I have accomplished a lot in life so far, much of it while swimming upstream.  Compared to all those accomplishments and struggles, this is definitely the hardest job of them all.

At this time last year, we were holding our Phoebe, who was barely a few weeks old, with hands that were uncertain.  I worried so much about her and whether I could meet her needs, many of those fears irrational and all-consuming.  There were many dark days, but also many days of overwhelming joy; truly it was a roller coaster.   It took me over a month to feel somewhat healed from childbirth, and much longer to heal the mental wounds from a birth that did not go the way I had envisioned.  Then of course there were the seemingly monumental challenges associated with being a new parent.  Those early days were tough yet so rewarding.

Around three months everything started to lift.  The irrational fears started to dissipate and my hormones leveled out.  I was also getting the hang of working and being a mother, though I have yet to feel guilt-free.  It has been mostly getting easier since then, due to a combination of fitness for jumping over the hurdles and just getting to know each other.

The tough part about being a parent is that no one gives you a year-end review.  There are ways that might suggest you are doing an ok job, like you have a great relationship with your child, or they seem content and confident.  However, the presence or absence of those signs may be no indication of the job performance.  So really, how do you know you are doing a good job?  You won't know for certain until they leave the home at age 18 or beyond, and you get to see if all of that hard work you put in actually helped them to be a decent human being who knows who they are.  I think that's what most parents hope for, it's what I hope for.   

For now I am relishing all of the beautiful and glorious moments...the smiles, endless giggles, the splashing in the tub, the triumph in her face when she learns something new...and even appreciating the hard times for what they are...the days when nothing is good enough,  the tantrums and tough love, and the scary sick times.  I am so very grateful and fortunate to be a parent to my daughter and I strive to breathe it all in to the best of my ability.  I know that change is inevitable as she grows and learns, and I hope that I will have the strength and flexibility to adapt.  Here is to another full and glorious year of parenting, and a prayer to be able to embrace the unknown future as I have embraced the last year. 

Ending Bullying Starts with You

I've been bullied many times in my life.  First starting with my dad, so I was grew up being conditioned to accept it.  It happened many more times through the years.  After a lot of time and so much suffering and devastation, I figured out how to deal with the offenders.  Unlike the romantic visions I have had of dealing with bullies, the most effective way for me deal with them is usually a long and slow process that has had to do as much with me as it did the bully. 

I'm not alone in my experiences, but it doesn't make it any less painful for anyone.  We all want it to end, especially when we are in the throes of an abusive situation.  Ending bullying starts with you. 

The "you" I am speaking of is all of you...victims, bosses, teachers, witnesses.  Victims, you must learn how to stand up to bullies; you will experience the same thing over and over again until you do.   It is devastating to be bullied.   But you must get up every day, show up, and fight in your own way.  Practice setting boundaries, mindfulness and exploring your inner demons.  Keep forging ahead.  You can do it. 

Leaders, you must actually lead and set a good example, which means treating others with respect and communicating clearly and consistently that bullying is not tolerated in your organization.   An all-too-common attitude is "(the bully) does XYZ for the organization, which is too valuable, so we aren't going to do anything about their behavior."  That is not acceptable. 

Witnesses, stand up for others that are being bullied.  Do something.  You can intervene, tell a leader, or support the victim.  To do nothing is to enable the bully to continue his or her behavior. 

And finally, stop rooting for people who are bullying, but in your favor.  This is critical for a cultural change that actively discourages bullying. 

We can do this together. 

For Phoebe

I am coming back to my blog, after seven years or so of adventures unrecorded.  Lately I have been thinking of ways to have a creative outlet.  On the way to the grocery store today, I thought about this blog.  The perfect outlet, and the perfect start.  I already know how to do this.

Since my last blog post, I have gotten married and we have welcomed a baby girl, Phoebe.  I wanted to have something out there that she could read if she wanted to know who I really was.  Unfortunately, my mom has never shown me who she really is.  Her facade is her strength and I am sure she thinks she is setting a good example for me by being strong in the face of life.  However, it has led me to doubt myself and my true feelings.  I want a better life and more emotional honesty for my daughter.  This blog will be part of that honesty.