One Year of Experience as a Parent

My husband and I have officially earned one year of experience at the job of parenting.  It is the best job I have ever had, and the most challenging.  I have accomplished a lot in life so far, much of it while swimming upstream.  Compared to all those accomplishments and struggles, this is definitely the hardest job of them all.

At this time last year, we were holding our Phoebe, who was barely a few weeks old, with hands that were uncertain.  I worried so much about her and whether I could meet her needs, many of those fears irrational and all-consuming.  There were many dark days, but also many days of overwhelming joy; truly it was a roller coaster.   It took me over a month to feel somewhat healed from childbirth, and much longer to heal the mental wounds from a birth that did not go the way I had envisioned.  Then of course there were the seemingly monumental challenges associated with being a new parent.  Those early days were tough yet so rewarding.

Around three months everything started to lift.  The irrational fears started to dissipate and my hormones leveled out.  I was also getting the hang of working and being a mother, though I have yet to feel guilt-free.  It has been mostly getting easier since then, due to a combination of fitness for jumping over the hurdles and just getting to know each other.

The tough part about being a parent is that no one gives you a year-end review.  There are ways that might suggest you are doing an ok job, like you have a great relationship with your child, or they seem content and confident.  However, the presence or absence of those signs may be no indication of the job performance.  So really, how do you know you are doing a good job?  You won't know for certain until they leave the home at age 18 or beyond, and you get to see if all of that hard work you put in actually helped them to be a decent human being who knows who they are.  I think that's what most parents hope for, it's what I hope for.   

For now I am relishing all of the beautiful and glorious moments...the smiles, endless giggles, the splashing in the tub, the triumph in her face when she learns something new...and even appreciating the hard times for what they are...the days when nothing is good enough,  the tantrums and tough love, and the scary sick times.  I am so very grateful and fortunate to be a parent to my daughter and I strive to breathe it all in to the best of my ability.  I know that change is inevitable as she grows and learns, and I hope that I will have the strength and flexibility to adapt.  Here is to another full and glorious year of parenting, and a prayer to be able to embrace the unknown future as I have embraced the last year. 

Ending Bullying Starts with You

I've been bullied many times in my life.  First starting with my dad, so I was grew up being conditioned to accept it.  It happened many more times through the years.  After a lot of time and so much suffering and devastation, I figured out how to deal with the offenders.  Unlike the romantic visions I have had of dealing with bullies, the most effective way for me deal with them is usually a long and slow process that has had to do as much with me as it did the bully. 

I'm not alone in my experiences, but it doesn't make it any less painful for anyone.  We all want it to end, especially when we are in the throes of an abusive situation.  Ending bullying starts with you. 

The "you" I am speaking of is all of you...victims, bosses, teachers, witnesses.  Victims, you must learn how to stand up to bullies; you will experience the same thing over and over again until you do.   It is devastating to be bullied.   But you must get up every day, show up, and fight in your own way.  Practice setting boundaries, mindfulness and exploring your inner demons.  Keep forging ahead.  You can do it. 

Leaders, you must actually lead and set a good example, which means treating others with respect and communicating clearly and consistently that bullying is not tolerated in your organization.   An all-too-common attitude is "(the bully) does XYZ for the organization, which is too valuable, so we aren't going to do anything about their behavior."  That is not acceptable. 

Witnesses, stand up for others that are being bullied.  Do something.  You can intervene, tell a leader, or support the victim.  To do nothing is to enable the bully to continue his or her behavior. 

And finally, stop rooting for people who are bullying, but in your favor.  This is critical for a cultural change that actively discourages bullying. 

We can do this together. 

For Phoebe

I am coming back to my blog, after seven years or so of adventures unrecorded.  Lately I have been thinking of ways to have a creative outlet.  On the way to the grocery store today, I thought about this blog.  The perfect outlet, and the perfect start.  I already know how to do this.

Since my last blog post, I have gotten married and we have welcomed a baby girl, Phoebe.  I wanted to have something out there that she could read if she wanted to know who I really was.  Unfortunately, my mom has never shown me who she really is.  Her facade is her strength and I am sure she thinks she is setting a good example for me by being strong in the face of life.  However, it has led me to doubt myself and my true feelings.  I want a better life and more emotional honesty for my daughter.  This blog will be part of that honesty.

Old Photos

I just looked through some old photos looking for a photo of a rock I wanted to use as an example in class. The photo was actually never found, but I was pleasantly sidetracked looking through other albums. So many memories returned, and left me feeling so grateful for the richness of experience life has given me so far.

Some of these experiences brought me the greatest joys, while some left me trapped in dark emotions for what seemed like eternity. Great adventures in travel, connection with others, devoted and loving pets, loss of friends or lovers, and the experience of utter loneliness have made me appreciate the experiences I have now differently than even a few years ago.

Life isn't always necessarily perfect. In fact, it never is. With time and repeated trials I have realized that I always survive the storms no matter the depths my heart may sink. And the good things, with the help of friends and family, help bolster me through these times and learn the lessons at hand. Thank God for friends and family.

And the good times, the sunny days: these are the days that are most appreciated. It is easy to take them for granted until I am reminded again of their goodness.

So look through your photos every once in a while. It may turn out to be a good night after all.

Staying in the Middle

I'm a horse person, and as such I have the tendency to compare life to the art of riding. One who is not acquainted to this art would be surprised to learn that there are some useful things to take away with you after every ride.

Those who have kept up with my life and/or blog know that I bought J.B., my first horse ever, in March. After a period of freaking out and doing my best not to call myself insane, it has become one of the best things I've ever done for myself. To say the least, it's so nice to be able to go out and ride and iron a few things out in my mind. To say the most, I can say I have a new best friend.

I managed to find an excellent barn where I could keep him. My trainer specializes in dressage, an english-style type of riding that emphasizes the proper, balanced movement of the horse. At first glance this seems pretty straightforward and easy, but when a rider is added to the horse's equation it's a long road of learning for the horse to move as he naturally would with this new weight atop his back.

Both J.B. and I are new to dressage. This makes progress difficult for both of us. Add to that the fact that he is a flighty thoroughbred and the concentration factor is much less. But wow, have we made some progress. And with just one basic principle.

My trainer is constantly reminding me to keep J.B. moving in the middle with straight line through poll, shoulders and haunches. A crucial element is to keep the energy of his motion centered through my shoulders all the way down to my calves. I've gotten a sense of feeling now that allows me to detect missteps outside of that square. On his part, he has developed a sensitivity to my slight corrections with seat and leg that keep him right in the middle.

That is what we have worked on over the last several months. And a good indication of how difficult this new discipline can be for horse and rider.

An important aspect of our progress has been my learning to keep myself in balance even if he is out of balance. If he goes right, I have to correct him on the left rather than follow him to the right, or vice versa. A constant re-shifting of his energy through my own sense of balance - I have had to learn what feels right in my body and get him there through persistence and consistency. This lesson has been difficult both in mind and body, but with time we have been able to correct ourselves more quickly and easily.

After a good ride, when I have kept myself centered and gotten the results with J.B., I walk away wanting to apply it to my own life. Wouldn't it be nice to combat all of those tugging forces in life with your own inner sense of balance? To be sure of what your balance is and what you need to maintain it is the gift of hard work and diligence in seeking to know yourself. With that will come the confidence to go for it or ask for it. Indeed it would make life easier, and filled with so much more happiness.

These are the thoughts I enjoy post-ride when I am washing off my calmer and happier horse. Revelations of this kind have not only enriched my relationship with my horse, but have slowly improved my own life as I have learned to apply them.

Thank goodness for the horses in my lives. What would I know about life if it weren't for them?

Big Change = Good?

Last January I began my newest and biggest adventure yet in life. I decided to dive head-first into a career change, which involved re-programming my brain into math and science-type thinking.

I spent some time in Houston after earning my undergraduate degree in International Studies working for a consulting company specializing in regulatory matters relating to the petroleum industry. The job was enjoyable, and I learned a great deal about myself and the unknown "real world." I found that I could flourish in this big scary place, and that I was capable of working hard and getting good results. At the end of the day, some pretty great life lessons.

It was also an opportunity to explore what was out there. We did do some environmental permitting and often worked with environmental scientists to gather the required information for such permits. After spending some time with these guys/gals, I learned that that sort of work would be an excellent fit for me. And so, I made the biggest (and scariest) decision of my life.

Now here I am in grad school, pursuing a masters in Geochemistry. Geology chemistry. Looking back at my only half a year so far, I've learned so much and made so much progress. It has been far from easy, though. My first semester involved calculus, chemistry, and geologic field methods. It was a huge hump to overcome. But I kicked ass and, well, built a bit of character along the way. To say the least. Anything really worth having often doesn't come easily. Through the blood, sweat and tears has emerged a sense of accomplishment.

With the next semester fast approaching (tomorrow!), I'm reflecting on my previous semesters. Mostly to give myself a bit of confidence. This next one is going to be a doozy - 14 hours of heavyweight classes and three lab sections to teach. Time management skills will come into play here. Heh! I know I can do it, though, and will emerge on the other side having learned a lot.

And so is this big change a good thing? Overwhelmingly yes. Despite the stress and worry, it's those little moments of quiet when I realize what I have accomplished that tell me it's worth it. Most importantly, though, is the realization that I really am doing something that is fulfilling and in alignment with my values. That I am acting instead of just dreaming.

So wish me luck this semester!

Checking Back In

Whoa. It has been quite a few months that I have abandoned this thing. And I can't make any promises that it won't happen again.

School happened. I started classes and all this stuff went by the wayside. But this time, writing may be my saving grace.

And so, I hope this will be a first post of many regulars.